What to do When Your Perpetrator has New Children

What can you do when your abuser is around or has more children?

I’ve heard this questions so many times and it is very complicated due to lack of evidence, appearing crazy, upstanding offenders and fear for your safety.

Here’s a common scenario:

You abuser was the head of a law enforcement agency and/or was a very upstanding man in the community.  He sexually and physically abused you and/or your siblings along with your mother.  When you confront the abuse, your mother tells you to remain quiet to protect the “roof over your head” while your father and/or step-father, uncle, grandfather etc denies the allegations. You grow up and flee the family only to learn that you abuser has remarried a younger woman with very young children and/or gets her pregnant immediately. You can’t go back or fear for your own safety.  The family has disowned you.  Your abuser threatens to come after your children if you do anything. No one believes you since your perp is “such a great guy.”

What you can do:

The likelihood of your abuser abusing the new children is huge!   First of all, don’t beat yourself up. This is how the cycle of violence and denial works.   By keeping you afraid, the perps are able to continue their abuse.  But you do have some power.  The healthy aware adults around the children will notice signs and be able to do something about it, so get them trained. You can anonymously call all the places those children go to from the daycare to the schools and be sure all teachers, bus drivers, friends’ parents and babysitters are trained in the Darkness to Light Stewards of Children Training. It’s so inexpensive, easy and in a lot of places mandatory.  Check to see if there is a D2L facilitator in the area where the children live.  Call up the places to be sure the adults are trained.  You can do this anonymously.  If you go into town, call the new wife, blog emotionally about the abuse you suffered, you can easily be hit with a defamation lawsuit, be labeled as a crazy witch or have your own life threatened along with your own children.  There is no need to tell your story to the places you call, just let them know they need to be trained since there are children being abused they can protect.

Being sure adults in the area are trained to recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse is healthy, proactive and it works.  You can do this from the other side of the country.

If enough adults are trained to recognize the abuse, they will.  Instead of bringing attention to yourself for fear of your abuser(s), this is something to do to help put your heart and mind at ease.  Your gut instincts are usually correct.  Abusers do not simply stop. You’re usually right about what’s going on in the new house, along with being correct about how dangerous it is for you to speak out.  Many of these upstanding perps are in networks and your safety may very well be in question. Remember to take care of yourself just like putting your oxygen mask on first. You are not the sum total of the abuse that happened to you.  You can re-parent yourself and protect future children, it is possible.

Take a deep breath, read the The Art Of War and make those calls anonymously.

Please share ways in which you dealt with this issue too.


  1. Very powerful stuff, and I can not think what would happen if my abusers where powerful as many are yet you make a great point that there are things that we can do to help protect or ward off much of the harm that was done to us. I wish schools all started programs early teaching children how to protect themselves and tell. The good news though is that we live in an age of tv and internet where children learn many lessons about this so much earlier then we ever knew there was help. I will say that I do have one young girl who seems to be caught at sixteen in her home and has not found the strength to get the help she needs because she has been taught to think that it is her fault. And it seems all the talk telling her it’s not has not helped her yet. At least she does know where she can go when that time comes.

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