Learning to see yourself as perfect and whole

How does one learn to love themselves unconditionally, and treat themselves with respect and understanding, when they were taught from a young age that they didn’t matter, that they were unimportant and less than?  It takes a lot of hard work, and a change in thinking patterns, to live in truth and trust – but it can be done!

The truth is that you are the most important person in your life.  It is not selfish to think that way.   This thought process is necessary if you want to feel whole, happy, and comfortable in your own skin. When you put yourself first, you realize that what you think matters – that your existence on this planet matters.  Every day that passes, you will know that you are important.  You deserve the very best of everything.  To find real happiness, we must learn to see ourselves from this vantage point.  Once we truly conquer this, we can conquer anything.

How does a person, whom has been abused, even begin to think of themselves in this way?  One way that I have found helpful, is to choose a mantra.  Something simple and powerful.  For instance, “live love,” or “I am the light,”  or “I am whole and perfect just as I am.”  I repeat these mantras to myself many times a day.  A friend taught me this when I was going through my healing process.  It was a very valuable lesson.  I would repeat it when driving, when spending time alone, and when spending time with others.  I would replace negative thoughts with one of my mantras.  This process was especially helpful when I was having a bad day, or if someone was giving me a hard time.  Sure, I was listening to other people, but I wasn’t internalizing their negativity.  I was remembering that it was THEIR negativity, and that I was on a different page altogether.  I was on a mission to make myself see my own greatness.  I would treat myself as I would treat others.  I wanted to stay balanced and happy even if those around me weren’t. Yes, it’s true, you also have to want to change.  The mind is a very powerful tool.  Sometimes, change just seems too scarey, but remember that FEAR is inversely proportional to LOVE.  That’s right.  The more fear you allow in, the less love you will experience.  So forget the fear.  If you have been abused, you already have seen the bottom of the barrel.  So, why fear anything, especially change?

We can give in to other people’s thoughts, our own fears, or change; we can continue to be victims; we can give in to untruths that live in our head (many of which come from what others taught us as children); or…  we can recognize our own greatness and relish in it.  Every day is brighter when we see our own light and live in it, rather than in the shadow that other people create, even if they created it a long time ago, when we had no choices like we do now.

Each one of us is unique, and each one of us should be celebrated for that uniqueness.  I was an abused victim as a child.  But I am no longer a victim.  I am a whole, happy, and beautiful child of The Goddess, God, Jesus, Buddah, Mohammed, Abraham, Spirit – whatever you want to call it.  That is who I belong to.  Myself and My Goddess.  I live in the shadows no more, choosing love instead of fear.

I want this for everyone who wants it for themselves.



Private thoughts on empowerment and truth

I’ve been thinking a lot about empowerment lately, and what make me feel empowered as a sexual abuse survivor.  When I started writing my book, Out of Love, I truthfully wanted to help others.  I wanted some good to come out of the horrors that I suffered as a child. I wanted others to feel empowered, and willing to tell their story so that others could benefit too.

I didn’t realize that the fear might well up again, that the emotional avarice and insanity might even come to the forefront.  All in all, it wasn’t so bad…having a wife who loves me unconditionally certainly helped.  I have to say that in the end, it did help to empower me further than I expected. The truth does set you free and open doors and windows and remind you that life goes on, and it gets better and better with each day that passes.

So I encourage everyone to tell their story. Tell it, with gusto in your own special way.  And please know that it will not only help your own growth, but it will help you and others to shine their light.

Love and light,

Cultivating a Healthy Relationship

I was looking over the subject topics as I embark on this journey with The Survivor Manual, and this one popped out at me.  “Healthy Relationships”.  What is that?  Well, as a champion of unhealthy relationships in the past, and one who is working everyday to make my current relationship “healthy”, I had to think about what the word “healthy” means to me.   To be healthy, indicates that we are in balance physically and mentally. That we are taking care of ourselves.  As abuse survivors, this is not easy.  We were conditioned to believe that we didn’t matter, that we were here to be used, and abused for someone else’s pleasure.  This is a major untruth that sits in our psyche.  It rots away any positive thoughts, or energy that exists within us. It ruins our self esteem and self love.  In turn, it effects our relationships with others.   What if we could learn to change that self image — to change our thinking, and see ourselves as whole, happy, and beautiful? What if we could shine unconditional love upon ourselves?

The premise that we are here to love, be loved, and be needed, is true.  So, if we can start this process by loving someone else — while also knowing that they love and need us — it would help us incredibly.  I love my wife unconditionally.  She is not perfect…but she is to me.  Even with all of her flaws, she is perfect.  I can see that, and I tell her so.  She has told me that I am beautiful, and that I am perfect.  She loves me unconditionally.  I didn’t believe her, at first.  It has taken a long time for me to believe her.  But once I did, everything started to change.  Because that simple yet difficult thing, loving someone unconditionally — acknowledging yet accepting their flaws — means that you can also do it for yourself.  I always believed that a healthy relationship with another human being starts with a healthy relationship with yourself.  While, finding the most healthy version of ourselves, is the presumed goal, it may not be the starting point.  Someone who has been abused has to work through so much to get to the point of healing.  They have to cross many bridges and barriers to find their true selves.  A possible shortcut would be to really love and accept someone else first.  Of course recognizing someone whom encompasses these traits, would be a whole different topic in itself.  But truly, someone who loves you, warts and all —  they can shine a light on you like no one else can.