In all kinds of various therapies, the term “peeling the layers of the onion” is used. But that elusive onion and all its layers can be difficult to see when you first begin to recover from whatever trauma you’ve been through. It may feel like you peeled back miles of layers if you made the drastic move of ending self-abuse. It might feel like you’re almost to the core of your onion if you left a violent relationship and are now safe in your own home. You may have finally said no to the addict and are learning to take care of yourself. But inevitably that onion has more layers.
I share what I’ve been through myself or personally seen others go through. Ever since revealing my childhood abuse in my documentary, I’ve chosen to expose my healing to the world as well. Just like they passed stories around campfires to teach via parables, we can now share our catharsis online so that somewhere, someone who is going through the same thing can find the help or encouragement that they need. Just like anything on this site, take what works for you for wherever you are on the path. Some are in the crisis phase while others are ready to dance joyfully.
Just recently I discovered another layer to my own healing and after talking at length with others who had the same issue, I figured it was time to write about Survivor Guilt.
What happens when you’ve moved past your pain and suffering and are moving into new amazing phases of your life and the guilt shows up? What about the deep sadness that there are so many still in pain? What about the fact that child trafficking is happening in middle America right under people’s noses? How can you do comedy when someone is being raped right now? How can you have anything good in your life when others have nothing? Don’t you have to give everything away, including your own life to help others?
The survivor guilt is a hard hurdle for some; it has been for me. I’ve felt guilty about moving on to new movies, new books and new fun projects that have nothing to do with rape or incest. I’ve felt guilty that I don’t think about my past anymore. I’ve felt kind of bad that if an abuser were to walk through the door, I would not shake with fear and panic. I finally got to the point of loving the people who have caused me harm, heartache and pain. I love them, even the last one. That’s not to say I condone their behavior but I’m not going to spend valuable time in my life holding rage in my heart. I feel a bit guilty for finally understanding forgiveness while others are red with rage. When I hear from those in the hardcore crisis stage, I have felt guilty that I no longer take it on. I can listen, but I am very detached. When I hear that others are cutting themselves, I’ve felt guilty listening because I don’t see how they could do that anymore. That kind of abuse no longer computes in my brain.
Getting to this phase took a lot of processing to get to that point, mind you and I’m not talking about empathy; I have plenty of that. I’m talking about feeling guilty about moving forward in life while others are still in pain. I’m a hard worker though and have always been a bit of a horse that way, so I push through the pain and guilt and move forward anyway. But part of me wants to shoot little videos saying, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re in pain” and sit and explain exactly what I’m doing with my life now and why.
Self-sabotage
Sometimes when you begin to expand out of an old pattern, self-sabotage shows up to trick you right back into the pattern. I have certainly had it happen. When I was finally getting back on my feet after losing it all making my doc, I’d give my last twenty away to someone in need. I’ve cover others’ bills instead of mine, then had to figure out a way to survive. I’d do things like use my week’s food budget to cook dinner for one night for everyone.
Then I had two friends of mine point out that perhaps I was co-dependent since I sure was taking care of a lot of addicts in my life. That’s when a huge cartoon anvil fell out of the sky and hit me on the head. Addicts? Could victims addicted to victim-hood fall into the addict category? Oh yes! I didn’t just have addict boyfriends, I had many victims I was spending time “taking care of” because I had survivor guilt.
The truth is that by taking care of others and not yourself, you’re putting them and you into healing handcuffs. It’s nice and sweet to have a constant shoulder to cry on or someone who will go without so that you can have, but as the saying goes, it’s better to teach a man to fish than to give him fish. That’s the whole reason we started The Survivor Manual – to share resources for people to find what works for them.
Ah, but what about that survivor guilt? What about those who say it’s not enough? What about those who want more, better, faster? What about saving them? What about saving the world? What about saving everyone?
What about saving yourself?
I had a healer once tell me that you have to drive past and sometimes over the wounded birds if you’re going to get to the whole flock. If you stop to doctor the one-legged one-eyed baby bird, you not only run the risk of being killed yourself by a passing truck; you may not get your message to the flock. I now see what he was talking about. I stopped and doctored many of those baby birds to the detriment of myself. It’s not that I don’t love the baby birds and the three-legged one-eyed puppies too but they can’t come live with me anymore or feed off of me. I don’t think he was saying not to help people, I think he was talking about remembering to focus on the bigger picture. I’m of way better service to the world by moving on. I’m an artist, not a therapist. But who am I to move on when there are so many people in pain?
Marianne Williamson wrote: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3])
My mom used to suggest that we remove the words guilt and sorry from our vocabulary. She wasn’t talking about being rude or mean or unapologetic and unfeeling, she was talking about not having to be sorry for breathing and not being tied down by the guilt and fear she’d been brought up with in her life in the name of God. She wanted me to not be afraid of life and to go boldly forward, especially since she had been unable to in many areas due to her upbringing. I’ve taken that fearless advice into recovery as well. I’ve tried all kinds of different therapies, healing techniques, chants, retreats and life altering experiences to rid myself of pain, fear, doubt, panic and anxiety and to be able to teach others how I did it.
It goes back to shining your own light and watching what you say to yourself in your head. There will always be others to share their opinion and their opinions are based on their own issues and level of healing and awareness too.
I’ve had many people urge me to move on. I’ve been told that I’m of way more service to the movement by having a bigger voice and should go make more movies asap. Some even started a Facebook Page to get me to fulfill my dream of hosting Saturday Night Live. I love that. I’ve also had others go ballistic and freak out, accusing me of abandoning them and the movement. That fed right into my survivor guilt too. I had to catch myself and not pull over to pick up the one-legged, three-headed little birdies.
Saving the world can be tempting but some that you try to save can actually harm you, which defeats the whole point.
Rosie O’Donnell told me years ago to put my superhero cape away and go back to creating more projects. Just like the healer and his baby bird advice, I now understand what she meant. At the time I was adamant about continuing to donate my life and all my time to helping others. Now I see that moving on is the greatest gift of living by example that I can possibly give. Some victims will remain victims just like some offenders will always offend. The best thing you can do is move on and live by example.
Sitting on the trauma train is awfully cramped and stuffy. The Joy Jet has a much better view and you’re allowed to sit in first class if you want too. You deserve it.
Everyone is on his or her own part of the path. Hopefully those of you at the survivor guilt phase read this and it gives you the kick you need to step past the guilt and move forward anyway.
You’ll always get to a new layer of that never-ending onion, uncovering new lessons of life that may make you cry when you finally cut through them. I hope they’re happy tears.
