One of my resolutions for 2010 is to write about learning to love yourself after trauma. In thinking about it I realized that I need to back up and talk about why self-love and compassion are so difficult for trauma survivors prior to and in the early stages of healing. I realized I needed to first say something about shame, self-hate and the tendency for survivors of abuse to blame themselves for the abuse.
self-hate
self-blame
self-esteem
self-love
What do we mean when we use these terms and how are they relevant for trauma survivors?
I have written before about how much we all need human connection ( see: Family of Choice, Connection Heals, Relationships after Severe Trauma: Making Healthy Choices).
Our very sense of self develops in the context of attachment to caring , “good enough” others. Trauma disrupts this attachment and results in the disruption of basic developmental tasks such as self-soothing, seeing the world as a safe place, trusting others, organized thinking for decision-making and avoiding exploitation. It also often leads to pervasive shame and self-blame.
In Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman describes how the child’s development occurs within the context of relationship:
The developing child’s positive sense of self depends upon a caretaker’s benign use of power. When a parent, who is so much more powerful than a child, nevertheless shows some regard for that child’s individuality and dignity, the child feels valued and respected; she develops self-esteem. (p. 52)
In other words, a child growing up in such an environment, with their basic needs being met, learns to love themselves.
Many do not have this optimal experience. What about those who experience emotional, physical, sexual abuse or neglect? Early developmental tasks such as trust in self and others, autonomy and the ability to take initiative can be interrupted when the child’s needs are too often unmet. Trauma disrupts the child’s development on a profound level. Judith Herman describes how childhood trauma creates instead a “damaged self”:
Traumatic events violate the autonomy of the person at the level of bodily integrity. The body is invaded, injured, defiled. …Shame is a response to helplessness, the violation of bodily integrity, and the indignity suffered in the eyes of another person. (p. 53)
In my experience, trauma survivors also at times describe feeling that their minds and spirits have been violated.
Abuse begets shame, the felt sense that one is innately bad. It can take the form of believing that you are defective, broken, unlovable, unworthy, stupid, ugly, worthless. In the case of trauma survivors it can also be expressed as blaming yourself for the abuse. In reality it is exactly the reverse! Abuse creates this sense of being bad.
In working with survivors of childhood abuse, it has certainly been my experience that one of the core effects of childhood trauma is to the child’s developing sense of self. This may be even more pronounced when the abuse is pervasive, sadistic and/or committed by primary caretakers or other trusted figures. So often survivors of childhood abuse and neglect grow into adulthood with the entrenched belief that they are to blame for what they have endured.
I want to say right now and very clearly that this is never the case. No child (yes, that includes you reading this!) is ever to blame for the abuse inflicted upon them by others. Period.
So why do so many feel this, on a gut level, with such certainty? I believe there are a number of factors and dynamics that contribute to self-blame:
Read more at Treating Trauma in Chicago.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Dr. Young! Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this empowering and nurturing description of shame and mapping the way forward to leave it behind forever.
I know it is the beautiful synchronicity of Angela Shelton’s spirit that brought me to your wisdom on this day when I am going to write my mother a letter from the depths of my soul for the first time. As a survivor of maternal-daughter incest, emotional and physical abuse, your words of wisdom and kindness are a guidepost for my wiritng hourney today and I know they will empower me to finally relieve myself of the burden of the sword of trauma that has pierced my soul for so long. I am so grateful to you and to our Angela Shelton.
You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers with deep, deep gratitude as I put my heartfeet to the path of new life. Peace, light and joy to you!!
xx,
Janie
Dear Dr. Young,
Thank you for your excellent article.
I was abused by a classmate in elementary school. With the help of a therapist I recalled enough details so that it became clear to me that my abuser was being abused, by someone in his home.
After the session, the therapist I was seeing suggested I write an account of the abuse for possible sharing with my family. This was not as successful as I had hoped.
My parents did not want to talk about it; my sister did not want to talk about it.
In my frustration I wanted to yell out, “well, you are disturbed by what happened? So am I. Living with it has been really disturbing. So I think I’ll deal with it. Why don’t I come back in, say, 20 years and let you know how it went?”
I didn’t. Maybe I should have persisted, but in my family we had a strict unspoken rule: Do Not Rock the Boat!
My mother and father are both dead now. No, I didn’t do it; my father died of Alzheimer’s and emphysema, my mother of congestive heart failure two years after my father died. Looking back, my parents, while I loved them, went by “what other people do.” Watch what other people do, and do the same. You can think anything you want about it, just don’t tell anyone.
So now I’m following slightly different advice; I will mourn my parents, but I think I’ll be myself now.